letting go

I'm struggling to put my feelings into words for this, but I'll try. This week I was immensely proud of my little girl.

I also sobbed silently for the loss I felt after I left her in her classroom on that first day. 

I'm sad that she is going to have other people who I don't really know influence her everyday. And that she wont be around me for a huge part of our week.

I think that the hardest thing is that she is ready. She has been with me for the majority of all her four and a half years. But it's hard for me to know that she doesn't need me for most of her day. 

That she also wont have me around for some of her most difficult emotional, physical and social situations. That's hard for me to deal with.

But I know she'll rock it. 

That as much as want to be there for her through those tricky times, that me not being there all the time will be what's best for her.

And I just have to trust that we've taught her well enough so far, or that she's been able to develop enough as a person, to deal with anything she comes up against. 

But if I know her half as well as I think I do, she's going to be amazing. 

And I can deal with the the emotions that come with it. 

In fact I have been so proud of the way she is already showing herself. She came home on her first day and told me about a girl in her class who had something special on her head and couldn't hear very well. I'd actually seen her on the way out, as she'd left the same time as Izzy. I explained that her ears didn't work the same as mine and hers, and that the things on her head helped her hear better. (in fact, that's actually all I know!) She has shown a beautiful, childlike curiosity of this girl. But more than that, she really likes her. 

It is so wonderful to see how Izzy sees this girl who talks with her hands with fascination and awe. She has been learning sign language too, and comes home showing me what she's observed and what she thinks it means. And I've been teaching her a few things too. 

Izzy is so sweet, gentle and loving. And it's amazing for me as a parent to see that in action, not prompted to include someone who could be left out, or encouraged to learn more. Just that she wanted to, and is the sort of person who would. 

That makes me immensely proud of her, not because I've taught her that, but because I get to be a part of this wonderful child's life. To shape her into the best version of her that she can be. And that is an epic responsibility. But she is so much more than worth it.